Confessions Pt. 1

Okay this post is already very misleading. One: that video is for Usher's song Confessions Pt. II, not Pt. 1. Second, this post is not about those songs or Usher at all.  It is however, going to be a confession.

I’ll be honest right now, I’ve been avoiding blogging. While I have been kind of busy unpacking and trying to make this apartment look like a home and not a mess, I very easily have had plenty of time to work on blogging. Even now that I'm finally sitting down to write this, I'm sort of avoiding it.  It's like I'm in college again and I don't want to write a paper. It wasn't until last week that it really hit me what was going on. And while this will not be easy for me to write, or post, I'm going to be vulnerable with everyone right now.

Before I get going, I want to preface this post with a few things. Please know I am not depressed, or anywhere near it. The last thing I want to come out of this is for people to worry about me. I do not resent the Army or Connor.  There might be times where it seems like I'm blaming the Army or Connor for what's going on. It's not that at all. They are not at fault. Just know, I am simply trying to express what I'm feeling.  I think if I can find the words to get it out, I might be able to start moving on.

Alright, so here we go. Obviously, these past few weeks have been fast and a lot. In the past three weeks, we've gotten married and moved to Colorado. It's been a weird mix of being a blur but also moving at a glacial pace. Positives: we love our location, we love each other, and the apartment is like 85% done. Negatives: I've been avoiding "adult" things and just throwing myself into unpacking the apartment. I haven't legally changed my name at all. I'm kind of nervous about a job fair I'm going to next weekend. Since I've been spending all of my days unpacking the apartment, I've made zero friends and haven't gotten to really dive into the community available to me on post.

So, I'm not going to lie-I'm struggling a bit.  I'm in a state I know nothing about.  This is only my second time on this side of the country. While Colorado is very rad, it's so incredibly different than what I'm used to in the South. I have no connections here, other than Connor. I'm starting to learn where things are, but am still getting used to going to those places alone. I know we've only been here two weeks, but two weeks starts to feel long when you haven't really met anyone. Do not get me wrong, I love spending all of this time with Connor. We spent four months long distance, so getting to be a part of each other's lives full time is awesome. However, I'm used to being around friends...or at least in the same timezone as them. Plus, I spent four months living with my parents so I got used being with them too. I know that as an Army spouse there are plenty of places for me to plug in, but I've got no idea where to find them. I know I'm not alone, but I don't know how to get started either. While I'm not the type to mind alone time, spending most of my day alone can get rough sometimes.  Some days I'm so busy all day working on the apartment. Other days, I have nothing to do and feel a little useless. That's the other thing I'm struggling with. One half of me loves that I'm not working right now. Not because I don't have to report to a job, but because of everything else I've been able to do. I love getting to set up the apartment. I love being home when Connor comes home for lunch. I love making dinner every night. I love being on my own schedule and knowing I have time to get done what I need to get done. The other half of me is really struggling with this. I'm not contributing financially, and it's really hard for me. I've gotten used to having my own money. It's never been a lot, but it's been mine. I feel like such a mooch; like I'm living off of Connor. While I am planning on getting a job, I do really like this freedom I have right now. Not that we wouldn't be just fine even if I didn't work, it's just the principle. It's just a struggle. Oh, and elevation sickness is a real thing. My body still isn't 100% adjusted, but I know it's getting pretty close. When I was back in Florida I could pretty much run between 1.25-1.50 miles comfortably. The first time I tried running a mile here, I had to stop just over halfway through it. Some days I'm fine, and some days I get winded making the bed.  My skin is always really dry and my face has been breaking out randomly. It's honestly a very strange thing to go through. I know I'm making progress though because I did run just over a mile without stopping twice last week.

I know this kind of stuff takes time; making friends, getting a job, adjusting. It's just something really new to me I guess. I grew up in a small town, but when I went off to college I adjusted pretty quickly. I made friends, found things to get involved with, and stayed busy. Then did it all again when I transferred schools. Now, I haven't made any friends and some days am just so lost that I'm not quite sure what to do.

There are positives in all of this though.  Colorado Springs is home to the Colorado Springs Sky Sox, a triple-A minor league baseball team.  Everyone knows how much I love working in baseball. While they're not hiring full time (to my knowledge), their season is right around the corner.  Which is great, because they'll be hiring game day staff and other seasonal positions.  There's even a job fair next weekend that I plan on attending.  I think working part time would be good for me right now. I still am nowhere near being settled in. Plus, lets face it-game days are the best part of working in sports anyway. So it's like getting to do the most fun part of the job. I'm hoping for the best there. That way maybe I can have some fun, make some friends, and make money again. Actually, next week will be a big one for me. Monday through Wednesday I'm going to various classes offered through Army Community Services (ACS), and I'm hoping they'll be great help. Monday and Tuesday I'm attending a Newcomer's Orientation and Wednesday I'm going to ACS 101. I wish I could have taken these classes sooner, but this is the earliest ones I could get into. Better late than never! I'm thinking they'll be really helpful, and give me a starting point to finding some stuff to get involved in on post. Another plus, they'll get me out of the apartment for a little bit each day. It's probably not good how much time I spend inside...honestly it's not really like me. It has been a little necessary though, with all of the unpacking and settling in.

Alright, so there. I did it. I got it out of my system and was honest. Like I said earlier, I promise I am having fun and enjoying being here. By no means am I miserable or regret coming out here. It's quite the opposite! Connor and I are both so excited about all of the new adventures right at our fingertips! Last weekend, we went to a college hockey game, found a new favorite restaurant, and visited the Unite States Air Force Academy (post with pictures coming soon!). We always wish our weekends were longer because we get scared we won't get to have a full on Springs experience before we have to leave. Silly, we know.

It's the adjusting and learning that is just turning out to be more difficult than I thought it would be. For some reason I thought moving to a completely new place where I don't know anyone all while being a newlywed and being new to the Army wouldn't come with a little bit of getting used to??? Weird. Anyway, I already feel better now that I typed everything out. I know there's still a ton to get done. I really do want to get back to being more consistent with the blog again though. Be on the lookout for a post on the apartment (soon, I promise it's almost done!), a post on some of our adventures, and possibly an update on how my 2016 goals are going.

If you read this whole thing, thank you. It means a lot.

Until next time,
Brandt
(As soon as I legally change my name, the blog is going to get some changes too!)